i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
