Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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