Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
