im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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