the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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