So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
