She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pants are for mortals
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
