I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
