Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
