she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the condom got lost in my hair
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
