i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
