i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
