just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
