Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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