oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize