It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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