I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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