I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
