I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
