guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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