Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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