do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
