Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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