dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
