well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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