I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
