Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
