Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
