I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
