I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
