ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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