you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
