I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
