Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
