Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
