How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
