my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize