i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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