I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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