I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
