don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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