I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
