I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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