let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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