Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
