I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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