So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
