the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
two words...techno handjob
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
As shirtless as possible
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
