How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
