I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
