dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
