Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
