Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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