I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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