after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
