My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
