I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
