i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
